Let's face it: turkeys have it pretty rough. They let us feed and breed them, blissfully unaware of the inevitable culmination of our kindness: DELICIOUS MURDER. (Even worse? They can't fly away.) So is it any wonder that they occasionally turn on us?
Maybe they’re just bitter because they start off so cute and end up craggy-faced shingle cases. But if that’s what’s wrong with them, why didn’t they channel their anger into a nobler pursuit like,say, writing comedy for the internet? Regardless, here are 10 birds clobbering humans in unfiltered turkey rage.
'Terrible Tom' attacks Duffy Kelly
In what is surely the world’s most famous turkey attack, Sacramento news producer Duffy Kelly investigates reports of wild turkeys harassing joggers. It isn’t long before the turkeys hear she’s been asking too many questions and decide to have a word with her. At the one-minute mark the Feds get involved, dispatching a U.S. Postal truck to take care of this modern-day Dillinger, but the bird will not be swayed. Even after jumping into her car, Kelly is not safe from this devilish delicious dish’s unhealthy interest.
Harvard Turkey Vs. Reporter
Maybe turkeys just don't like reporters. Here's a Harvard-educated turkey smart enough to know when reporter Paul Stevens' tough talk is all bluff. When you look like the turkey other turkeys cross the street to avoid, it’s hard to take anyone's courage seriously. This is the Freddy Krueger of turkeys if Freddy didn’t have such nice skin. He looks like something astronauts find on the dark side of the moon right before NASA loses radio contact.
A victim, known only as "Chauntelle" to protect her identity, walks around Turkey Town in a green boot and a white flip-flop, which is asking for trouble. Two juvenile turkeys—unaware that they’re actually middle-aged turkeys because ha ha, Thanksgiving—let her know she’s not welcome round these parts. Fortunately, a couple of goats leap to her rescue. Or come to finish her off. Or maybe just eat the boot. Who can say? Domesticated animals are so weird.
Ron got too close to some turkeys in Northern California, and flees, only for them to turn and notice the cameraman…and that’s when you realize these gentlemen are in a horror film.
Redhead vs. Angry Turkey!
Redhead versus Turkey! Who will win in this ongoing game of chicken? Wait—chicken? That can’t be right.
Everyone who backs up from a turkey gets pursued for the next half-mile just in case their bones are frail and their blood tastes like corn niblets. This woman shows no fear and cowers from a group of turkeys who surround her like she's Tippi Hedren in 'The Birds.' Upset that she discovered their weakness, the disturbed youth protests, but it's all a bunch of gobbledygook. The showdown ends in a stalemate. So if you’re going to fight turkeys, do it in the snow where you’re well-padded and they have trouble strutting around.
Little Girl vs. Birthday Turkey
But are turkeys actually dangerous? Or chicken at heart? (Darn it, there’s that word again.) This little girl finds out the truth while her parents look on and laugh.
These thugs even have the police under their talons! In a reversal of every Occupy protest, this clip compilation shows one cop after another fleeing brutal turkey intimidation tactics. Bonus: the clip's narrated by a Scotsman, the only thing in nature even more fearless and mean than a turkey.
This turkey is so brash, he actually stops traffic. "Lemme see some ID, ma'am. I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle, gobble gobble."
George W. Bush Meets a Turkey
Then again, depending on your politics, maybe turkeys aren’t all bad. Look how this one treats President Bush (four minutes into the video). In fact, we know turkeys aren’t all bad – they’re deliciously good!