Welker? I’d Rather Decker – Rules For Naming Your Fantasy Football Team
Tonight is the big night around the Loudwire offices... The annual fantasy football draft, and drinking party! Our whole league already knows that out of 16 of us, there are really only three or four guys (sorry ladies) who have a real shot at winning this thing. That means that the only consolation for getting your ass kicked all year is making people laugh at your team name. Here are some helpful hints on how to do it right!
Finding an original team name these days is extremely difficult. With both the insane popularity of fantasy football and social media ruining everyone's jokes, coming up with a truly original team name can be exhausting. So even if it's not totally original, lets still try to stay away from "Joe's Team" or "Team #2." It's just more fun to beat up on a team named the "Texas Rectum Rangers."
Thanks to the Bro Bible, here are some good ides when naming a team...
Team Names You Shouldn’t Use
Aaron Hernandez Jokes: I get it, Aaron Hernandez killed a guy (or 7), and while murder isn’t really something to joke about, it is funny here both because he didn’t murder me and because he’s a 23-year-old millionaire athlete who pissed his life away. But similarly with “Carlos Danger," half the idiots in your league are gonna use a Hernandez or Odin Lloyd reference for a team name. It's just not original. If you absolutely must use a Hernandez reference, I suggest going with “Least I Didn’t Kill Humans” and a Michael Vick avatar.
Riley Cooper Jokes: Same as above, except we’re dealing with rotten words instead of rotting corpses.
Punny Names Plucked Off Naming Websites: Especially if you’re in a league with your buddies. Bro, I’ve known you for 15 years. I’ve seen you eat your own vomit. There's no fucking way you came up with “Yo Gabba Gabbert” on your own. If you use a cheat site to pick a name, your friends will know and they should call you out for it.
“Show Me Ya TD’s” or any team name that substitutes “TD’s” for “titties”: If titties are so important to you that you have to include them in your fantasy football experience, do me a favor and just name your team “I Fu**ing Love Titties” with a Devin Brugman GIF as the avatar.
Everyone in the league will be better off.
Lame TV/Movie References: Look, I think The Big Lebowski is a fantastic movie, but naming your team “The Dude Abides” isn’t getting it done. The same goes for all your Game of Thrones references. If it’s the most popular show on TV and I can’t escape it on social media, I don’t want to see it in my fantasy football sanctuary either. (I’m not ruling out all TV/Movie references, because then I’d have to apologize for my Mike Wallace/The Wire inspired “WHERE THE FU** WALLACE AT?” team name two years ago, and I refuse to do that.
Player References For Players On Another Team: You can’t name your team “Reggie’s Bush” if Reggie Bush is on someone else’s team. You just can’t. You can however reference players on your own team, players in the Free Agent pool, or retired players.
Ryan Mathews Is a Piece of Shit. It’s funny because it’s true. This isn’t a drafting strategy column, but NEVER under any circumstances draft Ryan Mathews. If you do, make him feel unwelcome by shaming him in your team name.
Roy Heluuuuuuuu. For best results, use a (LALA) abbreviation with this avatar...
Montee’s Python AndTheHairyBall. I couldn't space the last few words because of character limits, but still a solid team name. It’s as close to the original movie title as I could get while still maintaining its dick-joke properties.
Welker? I'd Rather Decker. Because fantasy football and domestic violence seem to go hand-in-hand.
Jeremy mACLin. Stick it to your league's Eagles fan who nobody likes.
Good luck this season! :)