Wanting Swiss Cheese Rubbed on Your Privates Makes You the Biggest Perv Ever [NSFW]

There are a lot of weird fantasies out there. I have never understood the feet thing myself, but hey, to each their own! But feet are one thing, you can wash the stink off of them... Cheese, however, the stink is stuck on it. So if you want it rubbed on your man parts I consider you the biggest perv in the world! 

Residents in Mayfair, Pennsylvania have been warned that a Swiss Cheese Pervert is on the loose! The suspect allegedly drives around town exposing himself to women and offering them money to watch him put Swiss cheese on his privates. The suspect, described as a "heavy set male, 40-50 years old," is also believed to have posted on OKCupid and Craigslist describing his bizarre habit:

I have a big heart, and it was crushed time and again by the opposite sex, that and a very strong sex drive, well I am lucky I never became a rapist. My fetish grew out of desperation for sex with a woman. I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections, girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.
I tried many different kinds of cheese, but settled on Swiss as the best. First and foremost, if ever a picture of cheese is used, most of the time they use a representation of Swiss cheese. But also because of it's eye patterns, texture, and the way it feels against my penis.

I'm sorry Fat Bastard-wannabe, but cheese and sex don't go together... If your lady smells like cheese she needs to go, and you like cheese put on you in any other place than your mouth, you need to go!