Hot Mess of the Day

Location: 3 feet from your itch, and still scratching it. Hardest Things to Do With Long Nails: Playing Angry Birds, giving cootie shots. Skills: Picking locks, changing the car radio station from the back seat, dosing cocaine. Her Motto: "It's a long way to the top...

Location: Your kitchen. How She Got In: "Hush, you're so silly! How do you like your eggs?" Hobbies: Perfecting her french toast recipe, gluing small pieces of dry cereal to her body to eliminate the need for clothing. Skills: One-handed frying pan flips, un-traceable phone calls, and patience...

Location: Home alone.

Location: The pork capital of America, Iowa.

Occupation: Inventor, conservation specialist, and worry wart.

Occupation: Webcam actress, docent at the Native American Heritage Museum, big cat enthusiast. Secret Talent: Feeding cougar impression. 3 Things She Can’t Live Without: Peyote, wi-fi, and her leopard print Snuggie. Her Motto: “Katmandu, but cat woman can do better...

Occupation: Full-time hair model, part-time dishrag. Skills: Clogging shower drains, meeting new friends. 3 Things She Can’t Live Without: The "Whip My Hair Back And Forth" remix (only MP3 on her 1st generation iPod), Horse-grade hair conditioner, and a back brace...

Name: Not-so-little Boy Blue Location: The Tidy Bowl toilet cleaner factory

Name: Allie the Asphyxiator (pictured right) Location: The 'special accommodations needed' aisle on the airplane. Occupation: Paperweight.

Name: Tommy Two-Tone Location: Newark, NJ Occupation: Professional leather sofa-impersonator, cab driver. Hobbies: Getting spray-tans with a bag over his head, olympic weight lifting, smirking triumphantly. 5 Things He Can’t Live Without: Self-tanner for touch-ups, his Criterion Collection copy of 'The Incredibles' on DVD, The Paleo Diet Cookbook, a sharp razor, and a good strong watch-tan line...