Investigative Report: Finding the Elusive Bathroom on the Starship Enterprise

One could safely assume that at some point during its lengthy five-year mission, the intrepid crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise will ultimately feel the urge to take a pee. Look at these guys. They look like they've been standing in line, holding it forever. The Klingon's eyes are about to pop out of his face. This begs one to ask, "where precisely is the bathroom on that ship, and have you seen it lately?"

This has been a long running question and something of a tired joke regarding the popular franchise. However, it does deserve answering. Is it possible that the bathroom on the Enterprise is just so nasty they don't want anybody seeing it?

Booksellers around the world have offered blueprints to the legendary space vessel. We've seen crews quarters, the silverware drawer, the spacesuit lockers, and even the secret cubbyhole where Captain Kirk stored his vast collection of medals and citations. So, since we know where he keeps his stuff, how about figuring our where he goes to squirt?

Question: Do people in the 23rd century winky? Answer: Yes. How do we know this to be true? In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the villain Khan recognizes the character of Mr. Chekov when they meet on Ceti Alpha V. However, as many fans point out, Mr. Chekov was not present on the Enterprise when they first encountered Khan on the Botany Bay in the series episode "Space Seed." For the record, Walter Koenig, the actor who plays Chekov, hadn't been added to the cast yet. When asked how Khan could have recognized Chekov even though he wasn't seen in the episode, Koenig answered "Chekov was in the bathroom during that episode." Thus, conclusive proof that the Starship Enterprise does in fact have at least one bathroom. But where?

Look at this: Counselor Troi has to "go" so bad she found a bush and has to use a phaser rifle to get a little privacy.

One reported sighting of what could possible be a bathroom was visible during a scene involving Kirk, Spock, and Bones in the brig of the Enterprise in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. However, this footage has to be dismissed since the stars, producers, and even fans all but disowned the movie and have disavowed any knowledge of there ever having been a Star Trek V.

In Star Trek: The Motion Picture, we see Lt. Ilia stepping out of a sonic shower located in what "Mr. Scotts Guide to the Enterprise" claims would be a bathroom. However, the shot does not allow the viewer to see anything beyond the shower. Whether or not a shower implies the existence of a "full" bathroom is beyond the scope of this investigation.

The aforementioned "Mr. Scott's Guide to the Enterprise" does show blueprints of what appear to be luxurious bathrooms on board the vessel. However, Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry was very sincere in his statement that only the series episodes and movies serve as cannon, and that all other resources are simply variations on the original entity.

We do know that the Enterprise-D from Star Trek: The Next Generation does in fact have a bathroom. One, to be precise. Jonathan Frakes, the actor who portrays Commander Riker, proudly shows us its whereabouts.