15 Things You’ll Never Hear on a Musician’s Tour Bus

Sometimes it happens, the stereotype fits. While it pains me to say so, some of these ring very true. Enjoy our list of 15 things, in descending order no less, you'll never hear on a musician's tour bus. (Personally, I'm very fond of #'s 10, 7, 5, and 2.)

15. God, what a kick playing all those old Glenn Miller stock arrangements
14.. I love it when the trumpet players lay back like that...it makes playing drums so easy...
13. Wow, everyone played perfectly in tune all night long, again
12. The leader got all the tempos exactly right, again!
11. Why is that cigarette shaped so funny?
10. Should we go back for the drummer?
9. Checkmate!
8. Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
7. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
6. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
5. Why is there porno in the VCR?
4. Can you believe all the money we're getting?
3. Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
2. No thanks, I don't want another beer.
1. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.